things that make your heart ache

goats cheese and red onion relish with a dark trappiste beer, driving vans, the rare discovery of a soul-changing book, the smell of lavender as I sleep, people thinking i’m younger than i am, autumn walks on crisp leaves with woodsmoke in the air, finding a new author or series of books that sorts out your reading material for the next few weeks/months, eating egg and chips when I came home from school as a schoolgirl, cuddling my children whenever they let me (and memories of them smelling of talc after their baths), berating myself, hooking things up, wishes, blotty pens, singing with my children in over the top voices to songs we know and love, head massages, going out dancing, lying on the carpet on my own and singing along to Yankee hotel foxtrot in its entirety, laughing so much that you start crying

it’s late to be starting my first post and sort of a strange time, in that I can feel myself moving out of this mood and into something more settled & measured. but there’s still this soft, expansive feeling of nostalgia and ache lingering and I want to try to feel my way a little and not just let it pass and then shake me up.

earlier this evening I rediscovered a blog I made in 2011 that listed all my friends’ ‘good things’ (2006-2011), and the writing blog I shared with my best friend in 2009-2011. I guess the beautiful thing about putting something down in writing is the exact capture of your expression & intent at that time. and that’s as fleeting & ungraspable as anything else, but God, what do you do with the ache that it leaves? I remember I felt so lucky that I had all these friends who were willing to contribute their ‘things I love’ lists and still in my head I have an imprint of the original idea of an ongoing project, a piece of art with readable layers of words. looking at the list now I get that collage effect all over again:  absence; and ME TOO!; and there being people that I used to feel but who I don’t now know; and just downright sweetness and remembering; and her, her, him, her; and our unified casual loves; my weird self-expression; your weird self-expression. and how I miss you and I miss that.

I’m going to look at this ‘good things’ blog again tomorrow and make a plan, and I’m going to email my friend and see about starting up that writing blog again. because if I love this so and it affects me so, then what else is there to wait for?


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